Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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