remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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