I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
