The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did i walk over a car last night?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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