U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
