On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
