I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
