I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
