oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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