I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
