so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
