Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
