STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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