I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
is that a dick in a sweater?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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