Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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