Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
only if we run a train.
done.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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