I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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