I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
