I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
