she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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