I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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