saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
