I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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