Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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