Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
