shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
