Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
