I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
