the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
