escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
