Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
