I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
