You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
