i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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