I think I died a long time ago.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
