my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
