there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
