thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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