Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
