dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
