i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
