Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
