I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
