You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
