She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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