my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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