You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
