I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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