i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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