Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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