sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
