I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
